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Interview with Soccer Mom

The following interview was taken from "Above and Beyond" magazine, owned by Mclaughlin and Over J. Dulgence.

Editor and interviewer was Pakistanian reporter, Amuzdto Deth.

Foreword: Today we get an insight into the world of the Soccer Mom. We will be interviewing Susan Jacowski, age 37, full time housewife, raising three lovely children, Josh, Petey, and Jenny.

We interview her at home, in sunny Naperville Illinois, professed Soccer Mom capitol of the world.

Amuzdto Deth: So Susan, how do you feel about being labeled a "Soccer Mom"?

Susan: It doesnt bother me. In fact, nothing really bothers me. Can youexcuse me? I need to use the washroom. (Susan gets up and heads to herl ovely washroom in her 300,000 dollar house. A rattling sound of sort seminates from her being as she walks to the bathroom. Then running water, a gulp noise, rattling again, a fl;ush of the toilet, then , more rattling.) Susan rejoins the interview. "Much better" she says.

Amuzdto Deth: How do you feel about being the target of a thousand or so compaines on a consistent, relentless basis, almost like a daily Blitzkrieg?

Susan: It doesn't bother me.

Amuzdto Deth: It doesnt bother you to be the bullseye of every hairbrain marketing scheme on the planet?

Susan: Well, maybe a little.

Amuzdto Deth: How do you feel about the new 6 door Ford Excursion being marketed towards soccer moms?

Susan: I Love it. I will be buying one as soon as they are on the lots.

Amuzdto Deth: For the perceived saftey, and carrying the kids to soccer paractice?

Susan: Yes. Plus I can see better, and I can put on my makeup without worrying about getting into a serious accident.....just kidding!(Susan Laughs and smiles at me, finding her joke more funny than I did) My two sons are tough kids. I like products that are tough, you know, like Ford tough.

Amuzdto Deth: I see..........Is it true Ford brainwashes Soccer Moms into their blatantly obvious overpowering marketing schananigans?

Susan: What?

Amuzdto Deth: What cars does your family own now?

Susan: We have a Ford Tempo, and a Ford Expedition. My husband(John) drives the Tempo, and I drive the expedition. He likes the Tempo for it's Positive response steeering and the new sound buffing insulator under the dash for superior road quietness. The new RHL......

Amuzdto Deth: RHL?

Susan: Road Harsheness Limiter.

Amuzdto Deth: ohh...ok....continue.

Susan: The new RHL is great in my Expedition, and the new Ford Posi Trackseat alignments provide for an all new comfort in the seating industry.

Amuzdto Deth: I see. What is your daily driving routine that puts the Expedition through its meddle?

Susan: at 7 am, I take the kids to school, about 2 miles away. Then I go grocery shopping, and run errands like going to the cleaners and picking up or making dinner. I then pick up my kids from Soccer Practice at Ford Field in town. Sometimes I take a little nip of whiskey with me to...oh..wait...scratch that. Take that out okay?

Amuzdto Deth: Okay, no problem. You are safe with me. How many inches of snow does Naperville Illinois get a year?

Susan: oh, around 40 inches or so.

Amuzdto Deth: So it's like Mt.Rainer country there in Naperville, Isn't it?

Susan: yeah, it gets real snowy.

Amuzdto Deth: How often do you use 4wheel drive on the Expedition?

Susan: About once a year, when the ice builds up on our driveway. I could get up it without the 4wheel, but I need to align theExpedition PRECISELY to get it to fit into the garage.

Amuzdto Deth: How much gear do you haul around in your Expedition?

Susan: Well, the boys and my girl have their soccer shorts, soccerballs....three of them, book bags and lunch boxes.

Amuzdto Deth: So a small amount of gear that any econmoy car could easily swallow up?

Susan: No! The Expedition does it better, and the Excursion will do it even better than the Expedition.

Amuzdto Deth: Have you ever built a home or done any construction work,or even loaded firewood into the Expedition?

Susan: No, we have the local Scurveys drop off the wood from old trucks. John and I someday plan to drive into the country to look for a vacation home, and we KNOW the Excursion will make that trip so much BETTER. (susan gets a glassy-eyed look and appears to mentally leave the room for a minute)

Amuzdto Deth: Were is your husband?

Susan: He is on a business trip. He'll be gone for three weeks. Good thing I have my vibrators...wait. stop. scratch that okay?

Amuzdto Deth: Sure. Consider it done. Off the record, whats this about the vibrators?

Susan: I have eight of them, for all different orrifices. Sometimes I pretend I am getting screwed by three men at once. It takes out a lot of frustration.

Amuzdto Deth: Gulp.

Susan: Sometimes John gets in these "modes"(Susan roles her eyes in disgust)where he sits in the Expedition in the driveway and just revs the engine for hours on end. Then he bolts through the 20 mph zone doing 85, swerving towards smaller cars to get a reaction. It is exactly this kind of behaviour that draws me to my vibrators.

Amuzdto Deth: Strange. Okay, back on the record. Do you watch the UpN Network?

Susan: yes.

Amuzdto Deth: What comes to mind when I mention hamburger?

Susan: Mcdonalds

Amuzdto Deth: Pizza?

Susan: Pizza Hut

Amuzdto Deth: Chicken? Susan: KFC baby.

Amuzdto Deth: pepper?

Susan: Salt.

Amuzdto Deth: Bananas?

Susan: Vibrators

Amuzdto Deth: Soccer Ball?

Susan: Goalie net

Amuzdto Deth: John?

Susan: vibrators.

Amuzdto Deth: pain?

Susan: pills.

Amuzdto Deth: okay enough with that game(Susan begins to seem irritated).What is your opinion of Ford motor company?

Susan: They are the founders of our government, and the regulators of society . Ford is wonderfull. They single handedly won world war 2, at least that is what my dad says. If it wasn't for Ford, the Germans would run the world. Thats why we don't buy that Jap crap.

Amuzdto Deth: What kind of VCR do you have?

Susan: Sony.

Amuzdto Deth: I see. If you weren't a soccer mom, what would you want to be?

Susan: I would just like to party. A little coke here, a little whiskey there.experiment with other women, and have sex with whoever I would like to wanted.

Amuzdto Deth: I see. Let Your Freak Flag fly, so to speak?

Susan: ohh yes.

Amuzdto Deth: Are you still planning on buying the Excursion?

Susan: Yes

Amuzdto Deth: Why?

Susan: I don't know.

End of Interview.As I left Susans House, a newfound respect came over me for the Soccer Mom. Besides the obvious brainwashing by Ford Motor and other vehicle manufacturers, it is obvious that Susan and her ilk really do CARE. To withstand the daily onslaught of marketing horseshit to an extent isremarkable. In a world of never ending , in-your-face- advertising B.S., the Soccer Mom carves her niche and rides out the storm. If one Soccer Mom decides to "let her freak flag fly", let it be. Don't we all just want to let it fly? I thought so. Another thought: An Excursion is a happening, an experience. It is some thing you make for yourself. Don't let Ford package you THEIR version of an Excursion. This is Amuzdto Deth signing out. Goodnight.